5 Tips for Difficult Conversations
Posted on Tuesday, February 28th, 2017
Nobody likes them. Everybody needs to have them. Difficult conversations are a hallmark of human interaction, and it is important to know how to navigate them.
Infinite reasons exist for needing to have a difficult conversation. Maybe you’re having problems with your boss. Maybe your roommate isn’t paying rent on time. Maybe a friendship is turning toxic. Regardless of the scenario, someone crossed a boundary and it’s up to you to address it.
These tips will help you have this conversation in a professional, respectful way.
Organize the facts.
The number one best way to ensure that your difficult conversation happens the right way is to prepare in advance.
Start with writing it down. Often, our brains sort themselves out by putting words on paper. Writing it down also lets you assess the situation. You can identify what your expectations are and how they aren’t being met. You can also identify what your key message is—the whole reason for sitting down with the other person. You can even begin forming possible solutions.
The key is to stick to objective facts that you can discuss with the other person.
This way, when you have the conversation, you already know the best way to word things. You’re confident that your needs are being addressed, and that opens the floor for the other person to voice their position.
Be Calm
Difficult conversations are usually emotional conversations. No one is a robot and it is important to acknowledge and honour your emotions. It is also important, as the initiator of your conversation, that you get your own feelings out of the way. This can be difficult, and it’s okay to take a break and regroup during the conversation.
Now it’s time to focus on the person you’re speaking with. Stay calm and remember that they need to process their feelings, too.
Listen
Listening is the number one most important thing you can do. These kinds of conversations tend to open the door on all kinds of messy, difficult things. It’s important to be prepared for that.
Remember: your goal is to explain how your expectations aren’t been met, ensure your key message is being received, and figure out together how to move forward. You’ll only get to that point if you’re willing to hear the other side of the story.
Sometimes, the person you’re speaking with will clam up. Or, they may start telling you way more than you need to know. In either case, it’s important to remember that you can’t be their therapist. Respect your own boundaries.
Set Goals & Timelines
Now you’ve clearly stated your expectations, you’ve set out your key message, and you’ve heard the situation from the other person’s point of view. Weirdly, this next part can be kind of enjoyable. This is the good part, the part where you get to start making things better.
Start by asking the other person how they think the solution can be improved. There are two good reasons for doing this: one, people are more likely to meet goals that they set themselves, rather than goals you set for them. And two, it starts to build a sense of teamwork between the two of you. It’s unifying.
Make sure the goals you both create are clear, precise, and attainable. Put them in writing and give them a date to be accomplished by. Make sure everyone (including you!) understands that they are now accountable to those goals.
Reassess
It’s so tempting to finish these conversations and then ghost. But that’s not how progress happens. So when the time is up on those goals you set, it’s important to reassess and see where you stand.
If everything is peachy, great! Your talk was a success.
If everything is not peachy, fret not. This doesn’t have to be the end. Reopen the dialogue. Often it’s helpful to ask the person to explain in their own words why your expectations still aren’t being met. This lets them share their point of view, and whole cycle can start again.
It can take awhile to find a process for difficult conversations that works and arms you with the confidence to initiate these kinds of talk. But once you do have it, you’ll find yourself far less daunted by tough situations at work or at home.
To be able to walk into an antagonistic situation and handle yourself with professionalism and respect is a huge asset to have, and one that will benefit you in all areas of your life.
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