The Tip of the Iceberg: Letting Go of Perfectionism

Posted on Wednesday, April 24th, 2019

Student experiencing stress while studying

“I’m a perfectionist, and I get really disappointed in myself when I don’t get the grade I was hoping for. How do I move on from mistakes?”

People often think of perfectionism as being perfect or doing something perfectly, and assume it must be a good thing. But relentlessly striving for perfection can become unhealthy. Perfectionists tend to base their self-worth on unrealistic standards, and can become extremely critical of themselves or others.

This mindset can have a negative impact on your day-to-day life. Here are a few examples:

  • Trying a new video game but giving up quickly because you can’t keep up with people who have been playing it longer.
  • Needing to have your room completely clean before starting your homework.
  • Avoiding starting an assignment because you fear you won’t be able to do it well enough.
  • Not letting others work on parts of a group project because you’re worried they won’t do it properly.
  • Rarely giving yourself credit when you do well because there’s always something more you could have done.

If you can relate to any of these scenarios, check out the tips below!

4 Ways to Move On from Mistakes

Focus on what you can control. Unfortunately, you can’t go back in time and get a better grade – but you can focus on doing your best on upcoming assignments. You can also spend time on other activities that are important to your self-worth. For example, maybe school is very important to you, but so is having good relationships or being physically fit. Invest some time in catching up with a friend or hitting the gym.

Counter black-and-white thinking. “If I don’t get a perfect grade, I might as well have failed!” That’s an example of black-and-white thinking – it leaves you with two extreme options (perfection or failure) and ignores everything in between. If you find yourself thinking this way, ask yourself if those thoughts are really true. Practice seeing beyond black-and-white – it can help you feel better and move on more easily from mistakes.

Cultivate self-compassion. Forgiving yourself for not meeting your high standards is key to moving on. Consider what you’ve learned from the experience, and reflect on why it happened. If you are self-critical, try to respond with an encouraging non-critical thought, such as, “I’m still learning how to adjust to college. I can’t be perfect all the time, and I’ll do what I can in the future.” For more help with this, check out the workbook Just As I Am: The Practice of Self-Care and Compassion.

Relax. School stress can cause a lot of muscle tension. Try doing a body scan, which involves tensing and relaxing different groups of muscles. You can also go for a walk outdoors to clear your mind and relax your body – try a Mood Walk!

– Eliza, Counsellor

References: Fursland, A., Raykos, B. and Steele, A. (2009). Perfectionism in Perspective. Perth, Western Australia: Centre for Clinical Interventions.


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